The Power of Mentalization in Leadership: Stepping Into Someone Else’s Shoes

I am not a therapist.

Everyone in my family, is, though — both my parents, my brother, and my sister-in-law.

I have learned so much from them.

Recently, my sister-in-law taught me about Mentalization.

It might sound a bit academic, but it’s simply the ability to understand and interpret the thoughts, feelings, and intentions of others.

Some people are natural mentalizers—you know them. They’re the ones who listen deeply, focus on you when you’re talking, and ask the kinds of questions that make you feel truly heard and understood.

These are the people who make you feel like the only person in the room, even in a crowded meeting. They’re present, engaged, and their questions aren’t just for show—they’re designed to deeply understand where you’re coming from. They create an environment that feels supportive and constructive, even when the conversation is tough.

My mother was one of these gifted mentalizers. She had an uncanny ability to tune into the emotional currents of a conversation, to understand what was being said—and what wasn’t. She made people feel seen and valued, and it’s something I’ve tried to emulate in my own life.

For me, mentalization is about imagining putting myself in the shoes of the person I’m meeting with. I ask myself: What are they thinking? What do they need? What might they be trying to accomplish? When I force myself to take the time to consider these questions, it helps me understand the other person better, which in turn helps me guide the conversation toward a better outcome.

Mentalization allows you to build trust. When people feel understood, they’re more likely to trust you. Trust is the foundation of any successful team or company. It also enhances communication. By understanding the needs and motivations of others, you can communicate more effectively. Your messages are more likely to resonate and be well-received.

It fosters collaboration. When you’re able to see things from another person’s perspective, it’s easier to find common ground and work together toward a shared goal. And it helps navigate conflict. In times of disagreement, mentalization can help you de-escalate tension and find solutions that respect everyone’s needs.

While some people are naturally good at mentalization, it’s a skill that can be developed. Here are a few ways to cultivate it in your daily leadership practice:

• Listen more than you speak. Make a conscious effort to actively listen when others are talking. Pay attention not just to their words, but to their tone, body language, and what might be going on beneath the surface.

• Ask open-ended questions. Instead of asking yes or no questions, try to ask questions that encourage the other person to share more about their thoughts and feelings. For example, “What’s your take on this?” or “How do you feel about that?”

• Reflect on conversations. After meetings or interactions, take a moment to reflect on what was said. Consider the other person’s perspective and think about how you could respond in a way that acknowledges their needs and concerns.

• Put yourself in their shoes. This might sound cliché, but it’s powerful. Literally imagine yourself in the other person’s situation. What would you want or need if you were in their position?

The next time you’re in a meeting or a conversation, try practicing mentalization. Consider what the other person is thinking, what they need, and what they’re trying to achieve. You might be surprised at how much more effective your interactions become.

For more on the concept of mentalization, you can read this article on Wikipedia.